Testimonies
The faith deconstruction process can be overwhelming and bewildering…
Deconstruction is almost always something that happens to us, not something that we actively choose to go through. And yet, we still have to go through all the emotions and difficulties that come with the process. Common emotions experienced during the deconstruction process are fear, loss, self-doubt, disorientation or identity disruption, excitement, relief or liberation, loneliness, shame, anger, frustration, wonder, vindication, anxiety, and disillusionment.
You will notice that some of these are positive emotions, like excitement, wonder, and relief. As deconstruction moves along and reconstruction begins, positive emotions often win out. A rigorous and honest assessment of the beliefs that shaped us begins with disorientation, but can eventually lead to a reorientation characterized by:
A deeper connection to faith
A sense of freedom
Confidence
Peacefulness
Comfort with mystery
Below are some short testimonies from people all along the deconstruction and reconstruction continuum (patrons of the You Have Permission podcast). It’s important to pause and take note of these feelings along the way and not pretend that faith deconstruction is simply an intellectual knot to untie. Note that one limitation of this particular group of stories is that they come from a primarily white American Evangelical background, but deconstruction can vary in various cultural contexts.
We also recommend finding a community (digital and/or local) to help you navigate de/reconstruction.
Fear +
“I felt like I was committing blasphemy or being heretical, while at the same time knowing I wasn't.”
“I felt terrified, and my initial inclination was that my questions may lead me straight to hell. I was certain that I was on the path of Satan.”
“When I looked into things, and saw the multitude of differing beliefs, I was terrified. I thought, ‘If I don't have the truth, why am I doing any of this?’ I felt lacking in faith, and afraid of the future.”
“I felt the terror of letting firm foundations go. It’s very hard to release ideas that form your basic beliefs about the world, which are also held by your friends, family, and community.”
“When my husband asks me, ‘Do you believe in God?’ I don't really have an answer. And the flood of ‘I'm so stupid, I'm an apostate, I'm going straight to Hell’ starts all over again.”
“I was afraid of becoming what I always thought people became who let go of the Bible as not inerrant or not literal—they became liberal, and eventually atheists. I was afraid that if I asked one question outside the box that it would snowball into all the questions.”
Self Doubt +
“I believed and lived out these beliefs over half my life; I spent so much time and money and emotional investment on a lie. Actual lies. If I was so deceived about this, how could I now be so sure about this new information?”
An ordained woman pastor: “I constantly felt a tension between knowing the path I was on felt right and more true and honest than anything had my whole life, but then questioning if they were right about me as a woman, and also questioning if it was worth losing so many things I valued.”
Loneliness +
“I was attending a Christian college at that point and the people I trusted to be able to go to with questions inevitably ended up writing all of my questions off and leaving me feeling pretty isolated.”
“My husband isn't in the same headspace as me, so it feels lonely.”
“I didn't have many people to discuss these thoughts with.”
A Deeper Connection to Faith +
“Now I am so much more comfortable with uncertainty, totally enamored by mystery, and much more loving and kind to people as I don't see every relationship I have as a ‘means to an end’ AKA ‘how to get this person saved.’”
“I went from ‘indifference in order to maintain my tribal membership’ to ‘passionate devotion to a more beautiful story that connected to all the beautiful stories I'd ever read or seen.’”
“I didn't know at the time that my god was the Bible. Better yet, my god was my interpretation of the Bible. And a lot of my identity was connected to that. When I started to realize that the God that I was born into and had felt so connected to for 30ish years was really just my idea of God...a long, sometimes scary and painful paradigm shift started. I feel like it's still going on to some extent but it's less scary and more exciting for the most part.”
“I was scared, but the kind of scared you get when you’re riding up the big hill of a roller coaster before the big drop. I was afraid that if I asked one question outside the box that it would snowball into all the questions. And I was right in some senses, but it has been a thrilling ride! What I hadn’t realized when I was still a hardcore Evangelical was that many people don’t do this because they’re trying to get around some things they just don’t like about God or the Bible. They aren’t just making excuses for sin. Once I saw that the people asking these questions were serious people who truly loved God and their fellow man, it gave me permission to let go of my fears and get on the roller coaster.”
Disorientation +
“I felt too much freedom: where are the healthy boundaries? Where will the questioning end?”
“I was ‘falling down the rabbit hole.’ I’m still falling and trying to find something I want to grab hold of.”
“The moment I let myself admit that I wasn’t sure I believed any of it anymore - it felt like the bottom dropped out underneath me. I felt like my core identity was washed away, and I had no idea who I was. I was terrified to tell anyone what I was thinking because I thought I would lose my entire community. I knew that at the very least they would start ‘praying for me’, and at worst that I wouldn’t belong at all anymore. I couldn’t lean on God either because I didn’t know what to think about him at that point. It was the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my entire life.”
“I grew up fundamentalist, so to start questioning my faith led to some rather nihilistic worries: was my whole previous life a lie? Was there really no point in living? Why had I spent all my life preparing for an afterlife when I could die and the lights would go out permanently? Things felt dark, pointless, and full of dread.”
Excitement +
“My brain started moving fast, like when you finally have a clue and need to keep going to learn more. I felt like my previous emotions were finally justified, and I dove into studying.”
“I emphatically asked a friend who was a few steps ahead of me, ‘Well, is the Bible primarily metaphor or literal?!?’ He simply said, ‘It's primarily spiritual. And that just clicked. It was off to the races from there.”
“I could freely explore what the actual ‘good news’ was all about.”
Anger +
“I felt anger both at myself and the people who offered me their ‘one way and no other.’ Anger at the questions I had gotten to the borders of and stopped short because I knew that ultimately the system I currently had would refuse to answer those questions. Anger that I didn’t have the courage to go further sooner. Anger at the confidence and condescension and certainty.”
“I started with a feeling of ‘righteous anger’ at ‘bad answers to good questions’ and the first of those questions was, ‘Why would I run back for comfort to the God who let my daughter die?’”
“I remember feeling anger toward those that I felt had lied to me in order to pursue their own gains while I had thrown a decade of my life away.”
Peace +
“It felt freeing to embrace doubt as part of my faith.”
“I learned to be able to sit with discomfort.”
“Pre-deconstruction, I would occasionally get a sinking feeling when I encountered evidence that contradicted my beliefs, but not anymore.”
“Still trying to figure this out, but I am in a place of a lot more peace now in not knowing, and have found a group of really supportive and lovely people who are on similar pages as I am to work through all this with!”
Identity Disruption +
“As someone who derived a great deal of their sense of self-worth from ‘knowing’ the ‘answers,’ it felt like I myself was being deconstructed personally. Losing my identity, my sense of self.”
“I wondered if I could believe certain things and still be a Christian.”
“I felt like I had been living in a paper house all this time.”
“I was a pastor when it started. I had an uncomfortable tension between my internal processes/thoughts/beliefs/experiences that were increasingly at odds with my external practices/duties/expectations.”
“There was a measure of positive affirmation in knowing that others were asking the same questions and writing about these things, but also a feeling of chaos and feeling lost as my evangelical foundations seemed to be crumbling.”
Loss +
“I felt a heavy loss for the closeness I had with God. It was like a family member had died. My entire life I felt so close to God, even as a little child. So this was devastating to me.”
“It was gutting because it felt like even though I was searching and asking, that nonetheless I didn't ask for this, and that I could never return to that cushy certainty. There was also the consequences of what it meant for my friendships and church community.”
Relief and Liberation +
“It was liberating to learn that there were other ways to interpret the Biblical passages and cultural practices that I was barely tolerating just to maintain relationships.”
“I felt like I was free to fully love the LGBTQ community and people of other faiths and no faiths with no agenda. I had been wanting too forever but always felt held back by ‘the rules.’”
“Learning that I could read the Bible and not take it literally was absolutely amazing to me. I struggled to understand it for years and just felt so stupid for not getting it (I had been told so many times the Holy Spirit would reveal the meaning to me).”
“I could finally move past the horrid idea of Hell.”
“For me, it was gradual and empowering. I suspect when everything gets pulled apart quickly, that's when it is overwhelming and possibly devastating.”
“I asked myself, ‘What else can I set down? Who can I no longer concern myself with impressing?’”
“Now, 4 years later, I feel free and peaceful and the happiest I’ve ever been, but the beginning was truly terrifying, confusing and terribly lonely.”